I wasn’t even going to post here today, then i got to thinking /DRAMATIC MUSIC
Who the fuck am i? I spend all of my time and energy staying out of
anything that would make me look silly. I don’t like to feel
vulnerable,I’m far too insecure for that.
I am the sensible one. That one kid who is babysitting everyone else
instead of drinking. I’m the kid who volunteers to sit out of games when
there are too many players, who won’t try new things or speak her mind
in public. I’m that kid, you know the one? That’s me. Hi there.
Dearest readers (?), i put this before you because well, I’m already
typing so i may as well not stop now. I hate myself, so i assume
everyone else in the whole universe hates me too. They are all looking
down on me, they think i’m dumb, they like my friends better. I’ve
always been the ‘extra friend’. You know when you’re having a party and
you want to invite this group of kids, but there’s that one kid in the
group who you only tolerate for their friends? That person is me. I’m
just tolerated.
Everyone wants to go out and drink, party and make merry (or whatever it
is you kids call it these days). I always feel out-of-place there, i
don’t know how to express myself in public. I don’t think it’s even
possible to be honest. Nights out, instantly devour any good mood i have
(i know, that’s fucked up right?! I’m like…opposite girl!). I go all
shy and pathetic.
I’m not the smart friends, or the pretty friend. I’m not brave, or fun,
i’m not a winner, or confident. I’m the babysitter, ‘old
reliable’….boring.
I suppose some of it can be blamed on my anxieties about getting sick (a
lot of it can be blamed on that, not to mention the countless other
anxieties i have). But, until i have my head examined and am locked away
like i deserve, i’ll have to live with this. A shell of a person, a
shadow.
-ShadowFigment <3
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