A shell is all that remains.

I wasn’t even going to post here today, then i got to thinking /DRAMATIC MUSIC
Who the fuck am i? I spend all of my time and energy staying out of anything that would make me look silly. I don’t like to feel vulnerable,I’m far too insecure for that.
I am the sensible one. That one kid who is babysitting everyone else instead of drinking. I’m the kid who volunteers to sit out of games when there are too many players, who won’t try new things or speak her mind in public. I’m that kid, you know the one? That’s me. Hi there.
Dearest readers (?), i put this before you because well, I’m already typing so i may as well not stop now. I hate myself, so i assume everyone else in the whole universe hates me too. They are all looking down on me, they think i’m dumb, they like my friends better. I’ve always been the ‘extra friend’. You know when you’re having a party and you want to invite this group of kids, but there’s that one kid in the group who you only tolerate for their friends? That person is me. I’m just tolerated.
Everyone wants to go out and drink, party and make merry (or whatever it is you kids call it these days). I always feel out-of-place there, i don’t know how to express myself in public. I don’t think it’s even possible to be honest. Nights out, instantly devour any good mood i have (i know, that’s fucked up right?! I’m like…opposite girl!). I go all shy and pathetic.
I’m not the smart friends, or the pretty friend. I’m not brave, or fun, i’m not a winner, or confident. I’m the babysitter, ‘old reliable’….boring.
I suppose some of it can be blamed on my anxieties about getting sick (a lot of it can be blamed on that, not to mention the countless other anxieties i have). But, until i have my head examined and am locked away like i deserve, i’ll have to live with this. A shell of a person, a shadow.
-ShadowFigment <3

Would it be wrong to write a blog post consisting entirely of the word 'fuck'?

Where is my happy ending? Doesn't everyone deserve that moment when they realise that everything has fallen into place?
I think maybe someone forgot to write my happy ending...there's too much uncertainty, too much anxiety in my head. No one can function like this.
I feel nothing.
I am nothing.
I should go.

-ShadowFigment

Some random pointless title /insert wit here

I am the WORST person.
…
Everyone would just be better off without me hurting them. It feels like i am going to just destroy everything. I’ll hit self-destruct and the world might explode. (concieted much?)
I cannot stand another moment of this apathy – it’s actually worse that the crippling fear! Being apathet….hurts everyone else, at least the fear only hurt me.
FUCK.
x_x
-ShadowFigment [hanging by a thread]

Alone in shades of grey

~~<3~~
I tried to paint a world without you, and I painted it grey. 

For black, I fear, was much too dark and white was far beyond my grasp.

I created a world today; the world was grey.

~~</3~~

'I've given up, i'm sick of feeling..'

Walking blinding through each day, being a copy of others. No individuality, no personality just apathy.
Am i a robot? Manufactured and false. Do my feelings stem from someone genuine or are they forged by a twisted mind?

Am i real? Stepping blindly out into (metaphoric) traffic and no one swerves, the cars pass right through my translucent flesh.
No impact. I just cease to exist, trapped within myself a prisoner of my own fears.

Like a devourer, it emerges; sucking the life from everything. Flowers wilt, even Roses' die.
It's nothing, not even a thing - no one panic.

Am i falling? If I'm standing still why do i have this sense of falling, as though the ground under my feet has ceased to exist and i float for barely a moment before being dropped out of control.

These things i feel, these memories i dread. They are barely my own, just a figment of another reality. My own false reality. A place I've created to torture my very soul.

Am i a masochist? Probably..


-ShadowFigment [Is done...]

Catching up; half a step behind and ultimately without hope.

I've missed a day or so of blogging, aren't you disappointed? I bet you were all so anxious for another instalment in the life of me; some insane bitch.
The last couple of days have been amazing, the best in a long time. I had pancakes (omgyestheyarethebestthing) and played games, all different games. It was good. So why am i here, ready to spill my deepest, painful thoughts upon the social media platform that is a 'blog'?
Despite have good days, i still end up crying like a total idiot (whiny girls, i know right.). So i guess, this blog insists that i must divulge my feelings to a bunch of strangers that may unsuspectingly stumble upon this post (i apologise, to anyone who is wasting their time reading this).

I AM THE WORST PERSON, seriously. If there were an award for 'the worst person' i would win. (As a side note; that'd be an interesting award ceremony. Could you imagine this loud cheery music as the announcer walks up on a brightly lit stage and breathes into the microphone 'and the award for the worst person goes to....' /suspense).
If life was a race, I'd be in second last place. I couldn't be in last place because at least last place is something recognised. Second-last is just another placing in a sea of people who weren't in first. That is me, i am just another face; invisible. Even people in last place get awards sometimes, 'wooden spoon' awards. I would get nothing, probably not even a participation ribbon.
That's okay though, I'd rather no one acknowledged my loss at life, that way i can ignore it and slip peacefully into an apathetic state.
Apathy is a peculiar affliction. It is neither feeling nor unfeeling. You can't be apathetic and not be depressed about being apathetic. Let's face it, all of us, deep down desire to have purpose. Without it we are just worthless specs on an earth that is far to big, and far too busy for us.
(Isn't that a cheery thought?)

I've said some things, confessed some feelings and I'm the worst person. I don't deserve a moment of your love, i don't deserve to be the cause of smiles when i can't promise I'd always be there. I'm so sorry. Sorry doesn't even cover it. How can you apologise for loving someone? I..I'm not good at relationships. In fact, I'd probably win the award for 'the worst at relationships' too. (I am winning more awards in this post than i have in my entire life!)

This is all just pointless ramblings, it's not worth another moment of your time (I'm not worth another moment of your time). So, I'll stop now. Save your eyeballs from exploding by reading any more of my fucked up thoughts.

Smile kids, it's not your funeral, not yet.

-ShadowFigment [x_x]

Blissful Ignorance.

Robin and Spoiler <3

-ShadowFigment [who might blog properly later, but is in a good mood and doesn't want to spoil it by dwelling on crazy thoughts.]

Mirrors, and other things that cause reflections.

How do you do that 'dead face' emoticon thing?
Oh right!

x_x

-ShadowFigment <3
*is not in the mood to blog about how fucked up i am today (so i'll leave it up to your imaginations, invisible readers), goodnight.*

A little less than useless.

Here's a pointless post.

-ShadowFigment [useless]

'Nightmares Child'

It would appear that I've found myself here again, the second post for tonight that must be some kind of record or something (a lame record). I guess, i have a lot on my mind tonight. Well i don't guess, i know i do have a lot on my mind. Apparently this whole talking to myself on a public scale thing is working, sort of....
So here i go again ('i kind of wanna be more than friends' /stupidsong)

First things first, this blog currently has no title. Which is appropriate because usually i write the titles before anything else. However, tonight I'm so indecisive it's fitting that i can't think up a working title right now. I suppose it might come to me during the course of this post (or not, whatever).
What did i do today? i hear you asking. How kind of you... Today i worked, which can account for part of this weird mood I'm in. The other parts are too numerous and confusing for anyone to comprehend so let's just not even begin.
Instead i thought I'd share something personal with you, something i haven't done in a long time so please, please be kind (or at least be kinder than i am on myself).
A poem....

As i sit, as i wait
Can you hear me? Shut the gate.
Turn around, count to ten,
pray good child, let night begin.
I can walk, barely run
Shoes and laces all undone. 
I can't hear you
Are you shouting?
Why the silence, ever mounting?
Up the path, across the lake
You can't see these scars don't ache.
I am broken, i am done,
something whispers 'run, child, run.'
Cold hands grasping,
Red runs through,
The ground lay still now, this day anew.

~~<3~~~

Yeah, that sucked. Whatever. I had it titled 'Nightmares Child' it's something i wrote once, feels sort of appropriate (underneath the cheesy rhymes and badly flowing prose) .
Right now, I'm terrified. It's not rational fear, it's fear of the unknown. I'm really struggling with that lately (yes, i know everyone is uneasy about the unknown, but this is taking it to a whole new level i promise you).
I'm scared; do you hear me?!
I'm fucking terrified.
I feel like I'm sinking under a tonne of quicksand and it's sucking me under, i can't breathe. I sure as hell can't think straight. (I'm oddly reminded of Atreyu being sucked into the Swamp of Sadness in the Neverending Story - that is me, I'm the dead horse).
My feelings are all messed up, my head is just bluuuh. I'm so confused, i wish someone could just tell me what it is i want to do!!! WHAT IS MY PURPOSE HERE? Do you know how difficult it is to live, when you perceive your life as meaningless.
The only thing, and i mean the ONLY THING that gives my life meaning is you. Don't leave.

/sigh
Sorry for the awful prose, you guys.

In case you were curious (you totally were, weren't you?), i still can't think of a title for this, so I'm going to sit here a while and think up something witty (it won't be witty).

-ShadowFigment [not a poet] <3

Do i take the path on the left, or keep to the right?

I have never been good at making decisions, from the simplest to the most difficult i just can't bring myself to a definitive conclusion, EVER!
Lately (and by 'lately' i mean within the last 4 months or so) I've have to make some serious decisions. Which of course, because I'm an idiot, i mostly ignored.
Time ticks on guys and so do deadlines.
I find myself missing out again, or worst still, making the wrong decision. When it comes down to it, i honestly don't know what i see for my life (career wise). I find it so exceptionally difficult to even comprehend the thought of my future endeavours.
I don't have goals, or ambition. I'm not competitive or driven. I have no idea what i fucking want. (I couldn't even decide what i wanted for dinner tonight, I'm awesome.)

You should be thinking something along the lines of 'but you're twenty one years old, surely there is something that interests you?' Right? I wouldn't blame you if you did.
What is this 'interest' thing of which you speak dear readers? I don't have interests, none that i have the motivation of confidence to pursue anyway. Enjoying things like writing and photography are good IN THEORY, but as a practical use for my time....not so much.
It is next to impossible to enter those fields, let alone be successful enough to live off the benefits.
So, of course, typical me with my 'glass-half-empty' attitude, brushes the notions aside.

So, we now revert back to my inability to make decisions, i suppose. Do i finish my course from last year (a course that i gave up on with less than 4 months left...../becausei'madickhead)?
Or, do i try to find a full time job (that's likely, what with my current developing phobia of the outside world).
Or maybe, maybe I'll just sit at home until mum's nagging becomes too much for my to handle and i slip into some sort of stupor....
Who knows? I SURE AS HELL DON'T.... Fml.

The moral of this pathetic story; Be driven, kids. Find a purpose! Don't waste time being afraid, or you'll be stuck with nothing to show for yourself, three years out of highschool and one 80% finished TAFE course later..

-ShadowFigment [self-loather]

Shimmerwood

I was going to write about my day, but instead i think I'll tell you all about this amazing place.
It's a place that means a lot to me, even though it is completely the work of fiction, it does not really exist (and no, I'm not being crazy).
It was created a short while ago, a place only in our imaginations.
There are lush green forest's, meadows with long grass (for picnics and stargazing at night) and flowers. We have a little wooden cottage and the weather is never against us (unlike in reality, dammit weather!).
At first it was a joke, we were messing around, but now it is a part of us. A place created just for us to escape.
Sometimes that's all we need, an escape - a happy place, if you will.


Nowadays Shimmerwood is a legitimate world, within a game, where we can spend the night messing around, just you and me. (And getting attacked by giant worms....but that ruins the imagery a bit.)

You guys probably won't be able to comprehend just how much this place means to me (even though it's entirely imaginary). You more than likely think I've completely fallen off my rocker (if you hadn't thought so already), loving a place in my head.
Irregardless, this place it is the only place i am totally distracted, even bordering on complete peace.
It's because you are there with me <3




Wasn't that a lovely blog post, kids? FOR A CHANGE!




-ShadowFigment [in love] <3

Ohana means family, family means...?

Coming at you kids from the waking hours of this morning (almost this afternoon actually). I must admit, waking to my family is not typically the most fun a girl can have. My mother lives to nag us, for everything!

Is it just me, or should parents focus on what is beneficial for their kids, not how their kids inconvenience them? 

My mother is so focused on constantly (and i mean CONSTANTLY) reminding me what she 'shouldn't have to be doing for me at my age.' If she spent less time telling me what she doesn't want to do for me, and instead maybe (if it's not to much to ask) stopping to ask me, i don't know, HOW I AM FEELING? I'd feel a lot less like a disappointing waste of space in what should be my own home.



Nurture VS nature? (or just plain neglect for my feelings as an individual)
Just some food for thought.

-ShadowFigment [literally] <3

Reactivity reminds me of chemistry, i hate chemistry.

Again, it appears that i find myself here without anything specific (or interesting) to write. I do apologise for the lack of creativity on my part, but i really am just doing this for the sake of my sanity.
I told you already that this is just a coping mechanism - i just told you again, and I'll probably tell you tomorrow too (fair warning).
Really the only legitimate part of this blog post will be the title. It's the perfect, completely random statement that is so typical of me. Yet, oddly relative to what i suspect this post will be centred around.

Reactivity; responsiveness: responsive to stimulation.

Today, as i sat unwilling to move (counting the hours before work) i found myself considering the possibility that i am highly reactive (not in the chemistry sense; i won't explode when exposed to certain chemicals - not literally at least).
When presented with a situation, or stimulus that is beyond my control (e.g. being sick) i find that i am not only unable, but unwilling to do, well, anything.
Completely scrounging for what little chemistry knowledge i have here but, it is my understanding that when certain chemicals are mixed with one another they cause a reaction. That reaction can either be the correct one and the substance is transformed, or go *BANG*.
Sometimes the chemical reactions are spontaneous, working without any deliberate energy or input. A negative reactive can be potentially catastrophic; like it could legitimately explode!! (That's why Lab techs wear Personal Protective Eqipment (PPE) people, protect yourselves)

Catastrophic... that is as good a description as any, to highlight my reaction to negative situations or stimuli.

I'm really not a 'glass-half-full' person, you guys.
I am a melancholy girl, plain and simple. When i was a kid mum would always tell me that i had a 'melancholy personality' (good thing to tell a 12 year old, right?) - she wasn't wrong though.
I may constantly (like a broken record) attempt to convince others to think positive but when it comes to myself i cannot even consider the positive.
Nice to meet you, i am THE WORLDS BIGGEST HYPOCRITE!

At this point in the post, i haven't even told you why i am so focused on reactivity. I suppose taking into account the rambling i have down thus far, it's probably not even worth it. How about we just agree I'm certifiably insane and leave it at that? 
No? (this is supposed to be therapy, i have to tell you /sigh)
Okay, well, i'm probably just the teeniest bit reatively depressed.
Today, for example, i felt sick again (the bad kind of sick that anyone who knows me will know about). I just couldn't stop thinking how much it was ruining my life, how much it has stopped me from living out of pure fear. I can't bring myself to do a lot of things i used to, not anymore. It would appear i don't have the strength to change that either (because i'm not getting better)

Anyway, i'm being spammed by Darren Criss songs currently soooo....laters.

And remember kids, don't put any kind of chemicals near an open flame....

~ShadowFigment (blogger of giant metaphors) <3

Beginning?

So, I'm sitting here thinking to myself what possessed me to blog in the first place? Insanity, maybe. More than likely it's just another meaningless way for me to get everything down on paper so i can view what's on my mind, rather than physically living it.
This is in fact a legitimate coping mechanism for what i so diligently refer to as 'the crazy.'  In retrospect however, this blogging thing could be seen as 'crazy'...i am talking to myself after all. 
Not only am i talking to myself, it would appear that i have contradicted myself at least once in this post already. 
As the minutes tick, and it gets later (or earlier?) in the evening (morning /sigh) i can't help but wonder what all of you out there must be thinking. If you're even reading this to begin with? Are you reading this?


Today was good you guys, better than a lot of days have been lately (despite having to work; work was still difficult). I found that i could connect better, the days are always nicer when i don't feel so out of touch with reality. That of course begs the question, what do i mean by 'out of touch with reality?' I've heard the phrase used by many a number of people in passing. I've used it myself on occasion. Lately however, it has become much for poignant for me. Out of touch, it's like standing on a cliff reaching across to a person on the other side, only to have them be just an inch out of reach. No matter how hard you try to stretch, to reach forward, your fingers never meet theres'; you're alone on a cliff staring at the hollow ravine below. There's nothing between you and the people you love on the other side, yet you cannot reach them, no matter how hard you try.
Sometimes i think if i just take another tiny step forward, let myself stand on the very edge of the cliff maybe, just maybe I'd reach someone - but what if i fall? I'm terrified of falling, there's nothing below me; nothing but darkness.
So i stand a top my metaphoric cliff day-in-day-out arms stretched out in front of me, hoping someone, anyone could possibly reach out far enough to take my hand (maybe pull me across?).
There are days though, beautiful days, where i stand on my cliff (arms extended in front of me) and for a moment or two my fingers brush yours on the other side. For a moment i believe one day, one day you might pull me over to your side.
What is on the other side?
Is it better than this mess we're in?


-ShadowFigment<3