Catching up; half a step behind and ultimately without hope.

I've missed a day or so of blogging, aren't you disappointed? I bet you were all so anxious for another instalment in the life of me; some insane bitch.
The last couple of days have been amazing, the best in a long time. I had pancakes (omgyestheyarethebestthing) and played games, all different games. It was good. So why am i here, ready to spill my deepest, painful thoughts upon the social media platform that is a 'blog'?
Despite have good days, i still end up crying like a total idiot (whiny girls, i know right.). So i guess, this blog insists that i must divulge my feelings to a bunch of strangers that may unsuspectingly stumble upon this post (i apologise, to anyone who is wasting their time reading this).

I AM THE WORST PERSON, seriously. If there were an award for 'the worst person' i would win. (As a side note; that'd be an interesting award ceremony. Could you imagine this loud cheery music as the announcer walks up on a brightly lit stage and breathes into the microphone 'and the award for the worst person goes to....' /suspense).
If life was a race, I'd be in second last place. I couldn't be in last place because at least last place is something recognised. Second-last is just another placing in a sea of people who weren't in first. That is me, i am just another face; invisible. Even people in last place get awards sometimes, 'wooden spoon' awards. I would get nothing, probably not even a participation ribbon.
That's okay though, I'd rather no one acknowledged my loss at life, that way i can ignore it and slip peacefully into an apathetic state.
Apathy is a peculiar affliction. It is neither feeling nor unfeeling. You can't be apathetic and not be depressed about being apathetic. Let's face it, all of us, deep down desire to have purpose. Without it we are just worthless specs on an earth that is far to big, and far too busy for us.
(Isn't that a cheery thought?)

I've said some things, confessed some feelings and I'm the worst person. I don't deserve a moment of your love, i don't deserve to be the cause of smiles when i can't promise I'd always be there. I'm so sorry. Sorry doesn't even cover it. How can you apologise for loving someone? I..I'm not good at relationships. In fact, I'd probably win the award for 'the worst at relationships' too. (I am winning more awards in this post than i have in my entire life!)

This is all just pointless ramblings, it's not worth another moment of your time (I'm not worth another moment of your time). So, I'll stop now. Save your eyeballs from exploding by reading any more of my fucked up thoughts.

Smile kids, it's not your funeral, not yet.

-ShadowFigment [x_x]